Everybody encounters differences and possible conflicts in their lives. It can then be useful to recognise when people are fighting fair or fighting dirty. Let’s explore these themes.
You Can Recognise Fair Fighters
Fair fighters take responsibility. Whilst they may sometimes feel upset, they take ownership for their feelings and focus on how to shape a better future.
Such people build on common ground. During a conflict they look for the similarities. They focus on the shared goals that people want to achieve rather than the differences.
Fair fighters explore how it is possible to get some early wins that will build trust. They say things like:
“Let’s look to the future and see how we can find a solution.”
They refuse to play the blame game. Even when angry, they are careful with their communication. They ask themselves:
“What are the real results I want to achieve? Do I simply want to express my feelings or do I want to find a solution? How can I do my best to find a win-wn?”
Such people stand up for their rights, however, and are certainly are not victims. They also give clear messages rather than conflicting or confused messages.
Fair fighters often focus on the future. They may aim, when appropriate, to offer positive suggestions that will benefit people. They try to, as far as possible, get win-win solutions to challenges.
You Can Recognise Dirty Fighters
Dirty fighters refuse to take responsibility. They blame others and often refer to the past. They like to pick fights and point out what they see as other people’s failures.
Believing their own feelings are paramount, they express these without consideration for other people. They don’t respect people who are different and may sometimes mock them.
Dirty fighters give conflicting or confusing messages. They may also put others in double binds. These are situations where, whatever the other person does, they feel they are bound to lose.
Such people focus on differences rather than common ground and insist that other people should change. Focusing on their own agenda, they aim to make sure that they win and that other people lose.
You Can Recognise Fair Fighters
And Dirty Fighters In The Future
Positive people aim to keep encouraging people but sometimes it is important to recognise when others may be fighting fair or dirty. How can you anticipate and manage such situations? If appropriate, you can explore the following questions.
How can I continue to spend time with positive people? How can I keep putting myself into these positive places and situations? How can I encourage people and do my best in these situations?
How can I build on what people have in common? How can I, when appropriate, behave in a fair way when managing differences? How can I try to find, as far as possible, win-win solutions?
How can I recognise when some people may be fighting dirty? How can I then buy time to think and behave in a fair way? How can I recognise when it is time to move on from such situations?
Looking ahead, can you think of a situation where it may be important to recognise whether people are being fair or fighting dirty? What may you want to do in that situation? What may happen as a result of taking these steps?
If you wish, try tackling the exercise on this theme. This invites you to complete the following sentences.
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