People can choose to be builders or blamers. The first route can help to create a positive future. The second can create pain for present and future generations. Some people reach a point when:
They take a conscious decision to become builders … They develop their skills as builders and learn to manage challenging situations … They act as builders and do their best to deliver brilliant results.
Can you think of a situation where you chose to take this approach? This could have been in a relationship, in your work or in another situation. What did you do to be a builder rather than a blamer?
Choosing to be a builder
rather than a blamer
Builders often focus on the future. Whilst learning from the past, they are addicted to self-improvement. They focus on what they can do better to deliver future success.
Blamers often dwell on the past. They spent a lot of time looking to blame other people and finding scapegoats. They seldom focus on what they can have done better and how they can improve.
Different people choose to be builders for different reasons. Let’s explore some of these motivations.
They may have learned
from positive models
A person may have learned from a parent, teacher or other person who demonstrated how to find positive solutions to challenges. Their model may have stayed calm and said something like:
“I am sure we can solve it. Let’s look at the resources we have and the results we want to achieve. How can we find a positive solution? If appropriate, how can we – as far as possible – find a win-win?”
They may choose to be a builder
because they see the benefits
Imagine that somebody faces a challenging situation in their relationships or their work. They may be a parent, partner, recovering addict, former terrorist or another person. Looking ahead, they consider how they want to behave. This may involve taking time:
To consider whether they want to be a builder or a blamer;
To consider the pluses and minuses – both for themselves and other people – of following each route;
To then choose to follow the building route.
Choosing to be a builder may seem obvious but it calls for making certain decisions. These may include aiming to be positive rather than negative, to be resourceful rather than resentful. It may also involve the next step.
Choosing to develop
skills as a builder
The skills a person aims to learn will depend on the situations they face in their life and work. A spouse may aim to learn how to encourage their partner rather than get into negative cycles. A mediator may aim to learn how to build on what people have in common and find win-win solutions.
Most people want similar things in life. They want to be healthy, happy and create a hopeful future for their children. This is ‘What’ they want but people sometimes get into conflict about ‘How’ to achieve these aims.
Builders often focus on the real things that people want in life. They then aim to find solutions and get positive results.
Builders may need to act in a balanced way and manage their own emotions in challenging situations. This calls for buying time and, when appropriate, communicating in a considered way.
They may need to take this approach when making tough decisions or communicating in emotionally loaded situations. Sometimes this calls for coming across as making balanced judgements rather than being judgemental.
Choosing to be a builder and help
people to deliver brilliant results
There are many ways to act as a builder. One approach to use your skills to help other people to achieve success.
This is the path sometimes taken by great educators, orchestrators and leaders. They do their best to encourage, educate and enable people to achieve brilliant results.
Jim Collins says this the hallmark of what he calls Level 5 Leaders. Such people combine personal humility with professional will. Writing in his book Good To Great, he describes how these leaders love to enable people to achieve ongoing success.
Jim described what he called the Yin and Yang of such leaders in an article he wrote for the Harvard Business Review. Here is a summary of some of these qualities that are described in the piece.
Let’s return to your own life and work. Looking ahead, can you think of a situation where you may want to act as a builder? What can you do then to take this approach?
If you wish, try tackling the exercise on this theme. This invites you to complete the following sentences.
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