There are many models for helping people to deal with different kinds of pain. This section describes one approach to helping people to deal with psychological pain rather than physical pain.
There may be times, of course, when physical and psychological pain are connected. But it is still vital for a person to consult with medical professionals regarding any physical issues.
During the past fifty years I have worked with many people who have been experiencing psychological pain. One approach we have used is to recognise the pain, the possible ways forward and achieving positive results. Let’s explore some examples of this approach.
Christine – Feeling Out Of Control
The CEO of a company contacted me about Christine, who was one of their key players. She was normally an upbeat person but was experiencing periods of uncertainty and depression.
Christine had expressed the desire to talk with somebody about her mood swings. During our session she explained what was happening in the following way.
“The past three months have been difficult. Up until I loved my job, which was sales director. This gave me the chance to meet clients, sell and then maintain an ongoing relationship.
“The company is under financial pressure, however, so asked me to also take on parts of a general management role. This is something I did earlier in my career, so I thought it would be relatively simple.
“The team I took over has problems and some individuals don’t demonstrate the required attitude. This has resulted in me spending most of my time dealing with the team’s issues.
“I don’t want to let the company down so I have stuck to the task. I am working 12 hours a day but still feel like I am always trying to catch up.
“I have always been a person who likes to exceed targets – whether this was at school, playing sports or in my career. But now I feel exhausted and not able to do any of my jobs properly.”
Christine and I explored the feelings she experienced. She was in a position where:
She was not feeling in control … She was not spending enough time doing what she did best – working directly with clients … She was not leading a team of motivated people … She was not achieving her targets and felt depressed … She was not making her best contribution to the company.
Bearing these point in mind, we explored the possible ways forward. We also looked at the pluses and minuses of each option. These included the following.
She could continue in the present mode and hope things worked out;
She could continue with her sales role, rebuild the challenging team with new hires and then hand it over to a successor;
She could return to focusing solely on what she did best – working with clients and leading a motivated team;
She could spend time encouraging herself by taking care of her wellbeing and doing things that gave her positive energy;
She could leave to join another company or take time out to reflect and then reboot her career.
Christine recognised she wanted to feel more in control. Being duty driven, she had taken on the extra role in order to help the business. This had resulted in difficulties for both herself and the company.
Bearing in mind the potential ways forward, we focused on how to get positive results. Christine took the following steps.
She chose to return to the role she found most rewarding. This included selling, spending time with customers and also leading her small team of motivated people.
She chose to take more care of her wellbeing. This included doing more of the activities that gave her positive energy – such as painting, visiting art galleries and playing music.
She chose to develop her leadership skills. This included building on her successful style as a leader but also spending time with leaders she admired to learn from their experiences.
Christine’s CEO was supportive. The company recognised the importance of playing to her strengths rather than asking her to spread herself too thin. This led to Christine returning to the sales and customer facing role.
The CEO chose: a) to appoint a former colleague to manage the challenging team on an interim basis; b) to then make key decisions about that team’s future. This eventually resulted in some of the team staying and the work being done more effectively.
Christine treated herself to a holiday after the Covid restrictions were lifted. She went to Paris to enjoy the art galleries and food. Returning invigorated, she continued to enjoy her work and help both her customers and colleagues to achieve success.
Derek – Feeling Pain About The Planet
Derek was somebody I worked with over a number of years. A highly sensitive person, he felt most at home doing creative work as a graphic designer.
During one of our sessions he talked about what he called ‘pain by proxy’ and his way of dealing with these feelings. He described this in the following way.
“I worry about how what we human beings are doing to the planet and how tyrants are hurting people. I realise that this is self-indulgent but I sometimes get depressed.
“This leads to me getting into cycle of negativity and feeling paralysed. Seeing the devastation in Ukraine and other parts of the world is terrible, but I feel powerless.
“Many people are suffering real pain and I am in a relatively comfortable position, but I still get down. This can lead to me feeling paralysed. Have you any suggestions?”
Derek and I explored the feelings he experienced. As an empathetic person:
He felt depressed about the pain that others were experiencing … He was uncertain about what he could do to help them and build a better world … He sometimes felt bad about what he called his self-indulgence in feeling depressed when others were in real pain.
Bearing these factors in mind, we explored the possible ways forward. These included the following.
He could continue to go round in circles and feel depressed;
He could worry about the actions of tyrants – but then they had won by getting inside his head;
He could use his inner strength and professional skills to help other people;
He could give money or do other things to help organisations that were caring for refugees and other people experiencing pain;
He could use his skills as a graphic designer to do work for organisations that were helping to build a better world;
Derek decided to pursue the latter options. After giving money to charities, he moved on to exploring how he could use his professional skills to help organisations he admired.
Giving money provided immediate help, but it took several months before he found the right niche for using his professional skills. This eventually led to him reshaping his career. Derek chose:
To continue to use his graphic design skills to help commercial companies;
To use his skills to help some social enterprises and charities;
To rejig his budget so that he could spend an increasing amount of time doing work for the social enterprises and charities rather than commercial companies.
Derek focused on being proactive rather than paralysed. He wanted to do positive work rather than let the tyrants take control of his thoughts. He aimed to do his best to build a better world.
There are many models for managing psychological pain. Whatever model is used, however, the aims are often to help a person:
To clarify some of the causes of the pain … To clarify the possible ways forward … To clarify how they can do their best to achieve positive results.
Let’s return to your own life. Looking ahead, can you think of a situation where you may want to follow elements of this approach? How can you do this in your own way?
If you wish, try tackling the exercise on this theme. This invites you to complete the following sentences.
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